this post is about white privilege

I've been thinking about white privilege. It's kind of uncomfortable to think about. I don't like thinking about the sick system that I am a part of - the system that I have unknowing contributed to and benefited from at great cost.

My understanding is incomplete (and will never be complete) and perhaps partially incorrect. Nevertheless, I invite you to join this conversation with me. Here are some things that I have identified as white privilege:

1. When I learn about the history of my country, I see that people who look like me are the ones who fought for the land that I call home.
2. The textbooks that I read all through school told the stories of people who look like me and their contributions to the world. Unless, of course, I took one of those elective courses, African American Literature or Asian Studies.
3. The money that I use to buy things has pictures of people who look like me on it.
4. A majority of my elected officials have the same skin color as me.
5. My failure has never been attributed to my race.
6. I don't fear the police or law enforcement.
7. I don't really ever have to think about race. Unless, of course, I'm thinking about "other" people. 
8. It would not be hard for me to arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.
9. I can turn on the television and see people of my race widely represented.
10. My parents did not have to educate me to be aware of systemic racism for my own daily protection. 
11. I can speak to a powerful group without putting my race on trial. 
12. My success is not considered a credit to my race.
13. I grew up assuming that racism was individual, specific acts of unkindness, not invasive and systemic injustice.  
14. When I get pulled over, I can be sure I haven’t been singled out because of my race. 
15. I generally feel well represented in situations where various opinions are being heard, rather than feeling unheard, isolated, out-of-place, outnumbered, held at a distance or feared.
16. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.
17. Most of the emojis on my phone have the same color skin as me.

But perhaps the biggest privilege is the fact that I had to do some research (an embarrassing amount of research, actually...) in order to make this short (and grossly incomplete) list. Why? Because I think that perhaps the greatest of all white privileges is the privilege of oblivion.

We have the privilege of being completely oblivious of our privilege.We have the privilege of living day after day unaware of how the color of our skin affects our lives, of being able to fool ourselves into believing that our success and achievements are all due to our own efforts and hard work.

There are many things about white privilege that I cannot control. I cannot control how other people respond to my whiteness. Oblivion, however, is something that I can control, to some extent. No, I will never be able to completely shed my oblivion - there will always be something more for me to learn, something deeper to understand, another story to hear, and another realization of my own lack of regard. I cannot obliterate oblivion, but I can fight it.

And may I never forget that I cannot fight it alone. I need brothers and sisters by my side, fighting it with me, by sharing and talking and teaching and learning and loving each other.

Thank You, God, for Your grace of showing me how oblivious I am of the white privilege that has affected my life. Thank You for the people that You have put in my life to help me to see these things better, and help me to not grow complacent or comfortable or arrogant, but rather to continue to identify this privilege (oh, but God, I can hardly call "privilege" what has caused such pain and division...) and share stories and pain and joy with brothers and sisters from all nations, humbly willing to listen and learn and share. You are our hope.

Short term memory loss runs in my family

I think I have a lot in common with Dory the fish and the Israelites. We're all dealing with some short term memory loss problems.

Let's talk about the Israelites first. They are slaves in Egypt. God sends plagues to the land of Egypt to reveal His power and rescue His people from captivity. The Israelites watch as God sends frogs and boils and gnats and flies and hail and locusts and darkness to Egypt. They are spared from God's wrath towards the Egyptians, and when Pharaoh finally relents and allows them to leave, the LORD guides the Israelites out of Egypt, going ahead of them in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. And, if that's not proof enough for them that God has things under control, when the Egyptians come after the Israelites, God parts the Red Sea so that the Israelites can walk through on dry ground, and then drowns the Egyptians when they attempt to follow.

God parted the Red Sea. And the Israelites walked through it. They walked through the sea. And it was dry. Because God parted it. He dried up a path long enough for His people to walk through it... and then He un-dried it and drowned the Egyptians.

God parted the sea.

Seriously, He parted the sea.

GOD PARTED THE SEA!!!! 

Really, now... seas don't part. Usually. That's not normal. But, God can part seas! And the Israelites got to walk through a parted sea!!

When they got to the other side, they had a party. They celebrated and sang and danced and I bet it was pretty great!

And then... three days later, the Israelites grumble because they want some water. 

What?

Really? Three days? It's only been three days? In three days, they forgot how God had taken care of them? In three days, they forgot how God had parted a sea and provided a way? In three days, they stop the celebration because they're thirsty?

GOD PARTED THE RED SEA THREE DAYS AGO, PEOPLE!!!! But the Israelites had already forgotten. Instead of remembering what their God could do, what He had done, instead of trusting Him and relying on Him, they grumble and complain and question His ability to care for them. They forget how good God is.

As much as I would like to think that my memory is better than that of the Israelites, I know that my heart is prone to wander, just like theirs. Their story is an accurate representation of my heart condition. I have a tendency to forget about God's goodness and sovereignty. Instead of trusting Him, remembering the way that He rescued me out of darkness and into His marvelous light, recalling His constant provision, and joyfully praising Him for Christ's work on my behalf, I get wrapped up in lesson plans and stacks of papers to grade, I worry about fulfilling responsibilities and stress about meeting deadlines and complain about not getting enough sleep.

"I suffer from short term memory loss. It runs in my family! At least... I think it does... Where are they?..."

That has always been one of my favorite lines from Finding Nemo because I always thought it was funny. Now, I'm beginning to see that it is a line that I can deeply relate to.

My name is Hannah, and I suffer from short term memory loss. It runs in my family. We have a problem remembering big things sometimes. Everyday, I forget how good God is. I forget the gospel. I forget that Christ is sufficient. 

But God is good, the gospel is true, and Christ is sufficient! And that is wonderful news to my forgetful heart.

I'm hungry

Every time I've been awake for about 16 hours, my body starts talking. It usually says something like this: Hey. It's about that time... I'm getting sleepy. Do I get to sleep soon? Because, I'd like that. And then I lay down and sleep for some time and when I wake up, my body waits about 16 hours and then starts talking again.

I don't last much more than 16 hours effectively without doing the whole sleep thing.

But, hey, my body says other stuff, too. Every time I've gone about 3 hours without eating, my body says something like this: Hey. Is it breakfast time? Lunch time? Dinner time? Snack time? I'm hungry. Do I get to eat soon? I'd like that. And then I eat something and a few short hours later, my body starts talking again.

I get these reminders from my body every few hours. I need sleep. I need food. I need a bathroom. And yet, I somehow find myself believing that I am independent and in charge of my life.

Oh really, Hannah? You're independent? You can do this life thing by yourself? You don't rely on food? Your body doesn't need sleep? You can't even stay awake for one full day without losing your ability to think clearly. And you think you're independent? That's funny.

You think  you're in charge? You sleep for 6 to 8 hour hours at a time. During this time that you are sleeping, you aren't in control of anything. You aren't even aware of what is going on around you during this time. While you are sleeping, you aren't helping anyone or planning anything or being in charge of anything. You're sleeping. Do you really want the one who is in charge of your life to sleep through a quarter of it?

I cannot eat one big meal and then be good for a month. I need to eat regularly. Hourly, even. Nor can I sleep for a week and then stay awake for a week. I need a pattern of regular rest. I can't go to the bathroom for a very very long time and then not have to go at all for weeks. It doesn't work like that. I cannot breath a whole bunch of air, and then just not breathe for a couple of days. I need to be breathing constantly, continually depending on the oxygen in the air to fill my lungs because I can't fill them on my own. I regularly, daily, hourly, second-by-second rely on food, on rest, on the presence of a bathroom, on the air that I breathe. Moreover, I regularly, daily, hourly, constantly rely on the One true God, the One who doesn't have to sleep, the One who is in charge while and I am sleeping and while I am awake, the One who is completely independent, the One on whom I depend for every breath that I take, the One who doesn't depend on any of those things but is completely sufficient in Himself and provides naps and oxygen every single time I need them.

I delight in this dependence because I delight in the One on whom I depend. Independence wouldn't work out well for me. I forget that a lot, but with each growl of my stomach I am reminded that I cannot satisfy myself.